God's divine plan on my barrenness

On sat morning, despite sleeping at 3am just a few hours ago, I woke up startled. My instinct told me to pick up my phone and check my email. And there it was, an email from one of my dearest friend in the world, Y, on her exciting embarkment in motherhood.

And in my email back to her, I communicated to her my most genuine best wishes. At the same time, I apologize for I was not able to be selflessly and wholeheartedly happy for her. The truth is, since my miscarriage, I have struggled. Struggled to fully appreciate the wonderful gifts He has given to me, apart from having children. Battled to keep positive and hopeful despite the monthly futile attempts. With patience quickly running out, I gradually felt ignored and unloved by Him.

I am without doubt, convinced of His love for us, but while the heart is willing, the mind is weak. I could not fathom the reason even as I know the reason was not for me to comprehend. And so, every month, I battle hard with my own voice in my head, trying to steer from self-pity and turn my eyes on Him instead and each time I failed mightily as I sobbed hard in Yong's arms.

But even as I indulged in the little sad world I built, something was happening. Yong was slowly opening his heart to Our Lord. Despite my earlier outbursts at his seemingly nonchalant attitude to Christ, he plodders on, slow and steady, in figuring out the unfamiliar world of Christianity. And to my surprise, after my ranting at Our Heavenly Father on his silence on our barrenness, Yong spoke for the first time about Him. In his quiet simple ways, he explained.

He told me that this little gate in his heart has been opened recently and he is now willing to know Him. And from the little he heard from me, Sunday church and bible study sessions, he understands that we are the sons and daughters of Our Heavenly Father, therefore, he would answer our prayers. While he does not know how it will be done, he thinks it is not for us to worry. He simply believes Our Father is listening and caring and all we need to do is to hold on to our faith.

My jaw dropped. Despite my one book per week reading speed, despite my bulldozer ways and hunger to know His Words, Yong's much shorter and brief understanding of His Words is far more profound than mine. My tears welled up again when Yong went on to say that he believes everything God plans and allows must have good purposes and reasons, liked how our miscarriage may have brought me closer to God and him to begin knowing Him.

And all through yesterday and today, God spoke to me. Through the newspapers (I don't normally read ST) article about parents whose children suffer from rare diseases. Through the christian bookshop I mindlessly entered, in which I found a book that was what I needed. Through today service which every single word my pastor uttered was what I needed to hear. I was a silly mess of tears and mucus by the end of the service. And yet I never felt better as Yong stood with me, taking communion together for the first time.

I, a mere mortal, can never understand God's way and plan. But I am beginning to grasp that while God can magically grant us our every wish, it may not be the best thing for us. It robs us of the opportunity to learn, experience and be truly marveled of His Glory. It is going to be so hard to keep my faith and my eyes on Him but now I have a wonderful partner with me in this life long journey to experience His Glory. And how gloriously wonderful is that!!

My wish for 2012

Dear Heavenly Abba,

For the last 1-2 years, I quietly dreaded every momentous date in the calendar. Birthdays, anniversary, new year, Christmas… Every celebration is a rude reminder of how I was yet another day/month/year older and the sense of dismay, of still being barren, of still not being parents, would pull me down to the abyss of self-pity. There would always be this twinge of sadness and longing at the end of the merrymakings.

As this year comes to a close, the familiar melancholy begins to manifest. Thanks to Amazon for its incredible ease of buying books on kindle, I have devoured many Timothy Keller’s books that have very convincingly and lovingly explain how I had tried futilely to fill up this aching emptiness in my heart with “idols” of this world. Some believes that money can buy them happiness. Some pursues love and romance to sooth the aches. Others liked myself crave for family/children so our life would finally be “perfect”. And yet, at the end of the day, to borrow the cliché phrase, that “the only constant thing in life is change”, none of these undependable ideals can really satisfy the void. However, given the very self-centered nature of human, oh, how difficult it is to remind ourselves that You have all the answer for us and all we need to do is to BELIEVE and LET GO. And focus on Your love for us and get it in our heart that this is all that matters.

A friend I knew online whom I never met but yet knows my pain very well wrote a beautiful email that touched my heart deeply. She shared with me what her mum wrote to her, that “because of what we have been through, we are uniquely trained to comfort those who are going through the same thing. We know what it is to hurt as they hurt, fear as they fear, and yearn as they yearn”. And I thought of You. How You also lost Your beloved son on the cross. That You knew my pain. That You had your heart broken as well. And more importantly, You did all these for us. All in the love for us.

My heavenly Father, I thank you and praise you for the blessings I have. And with Your gift of immense love and grace, I know that Year 2012 would be a good one. Because of the assurance that You will always be there to catch every drop of my tears and I can always run to You, my refuge, my fortress, and rest beneath Your wings.

My wish for Year 2012 is that my heart will be restful and at peace. That instead of aching emptiness, I will be so filled with your overwhelming love and grace, and in turn, it overflows to the people around me. Dear Father, let this wish be done according to your will. In Jesus name, I pray, amen!

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

One of my pastors warned that we do not interpret this poem to think that God is withholding happiness from us. That is unscriptural and not the nature of God. I understand and totally agree because that is not the God I know and read about.

Nonetheless, I love this poem. It depicts my feelings about waiting perfectly and reminds me of God's faithfulness and love for us.