Restraining my lips

I have been thinking alot about our speech lately. And I have this nagging feeling that I have not been making the best choice of words. Whether is it speaking too much, or not speaking up when I should, being more gentle in my approach, or just enjoying a good gossip. It is subtle. This sin of bad speech. Whether being the one to give or on the receiving end. Either way, I have not been discerning.

So yesterday, as I go through Proverbs 10, I felt really convicted of this sin. I stopped my reading and got down to pray and confess my sin. I woke up this morning meditating on James 3 on how the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. It can curse or pour forth blessing. Which one have I been doing more lately?

It doesn't have to be outright "you know that who and who is doing that and that?" kind of gossip. It can be comments about others masqueraded as concern and care of their well-being. Or even more deceivingly, their spiritual lives. When in fact, we are just displeased with their way of lives and we want to vent our frustration. Turn the table around, while we do not speak of such matters, we are as guilty when we quietly listen and respond to such speech.

Through Proverbs 10, it speaks of how much the fools talk. Babbling fool, when words are many transgression is not lacking, whoever utters slander is a fool,. The opposite is also clearly stated: whoever restrains his lips is prudent, whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life, the wise lay up knowledge, whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense but a man of understanding remains silent. And these truth and wisdom just pierce my heart.

While being of few words doesn't mean you will be wise, but speaking without restraint or much thought is sure to do much more damage and it is much much easier to be that "babbling fool". And I tend to think and speak quickly. I am also not as sensitive and observant as I should be at this ripe age of 40. Hence it is definitely more prudent and wise for me to delay speaking up. To think through carefully my choice of words. To do a silent prayer to God before speaking so the Spirit may guide my words. To take a breather before speaking to my children when they misbehave and when I am running out of patience.

How can I honor God with my speech?

That is the question of the week. Plenty of the Word to ponder and meditate over. Oh Lord, please guide me in my pursue of self control over my speech. May I slow down and approach your throne before giving in to my desire to unload what is on my mind. May I remember how powerful our speech can and help me Lord to build people up instead of setting forests on fire. Help me Lord to discern if the audience is ready to listen to advice or if they just want a listening ear. Let me be a good listener as well as a careful speaker. Dear Lord, as I approach this this week, may i do everything out of the remembrance of Jesus grace to me and that sweet salvation I enjoy because of His sacrifice. May that be the foundation and motivation of whatever I do. May i act out of the abundance of the grace that is lavished upon me and that I can be gracious to others because I was so graciously dealt. Help me and guide me Lord.  

Reading through Old testament

I have never read through Old Testament before. Till this year when our church embarked on reading OT together through the year. I felt like giving up so many time. But with Pastor Roger doing a summary of each book, I managed to get through 3/4 of OT not completely lost.

It was tough. It really was. Alot of the same thing. Over and over again. But it is through these tedious repetitions that I began to understand abit more about our amazing God.

He used alot of illustrations to give understanding of His love for Israel. The love of a husband to a wife. The love of a father to his son. The untiring, relentless, never ending love. Regardless of the waywardness of the son. No matter the infidelity of the unfaithful wife. God flew into jealous rage and anger. He punished because He is righteous and there is no way He could let sin go. But at the end of the wrathful rant, He will always always end off with a way out. There is always always grace to be found.

Ultimately, before the start of the world, God has already prepared a redemption plan. A way of escape for those whom He elected. Because of our sinfulness, because of our inability to go to Him, He came down to die for our sin. He came down for those He loves. He gave himself up so we can be with Him again. This time with sin completely forgiven.

I have been telling Charlotte how much God loves to have us intimate with Him. He doesn't need our prayers, He doesn't need our sacrifice in Temple, He doesn't need our money. He is all sufficient. But He loves for us to be near Him. Liked when Adam and Eve walked with Him in Garden of Eden. They fellowshipped together. No sin to tear them apart. We go to Him and enjoy Him. For He is love. For He is goodness. For He is our ultimate joy.

Some weeks back, I was so deeply touched by Pastor's sermon on Ezekiel. I told Charlotte what I read when she asked to hear more Bible stories. I told her how God was so heartbroken when His people worshiped other gods in His very own temple. Because of their sins, God had to leave the temple. But He lingered at every step He took away from the temple. At the threshold. At the courtyard. At the gate. At the mountain. He paused as if to turn back to take a another look at the people He dearly loved. Charlotte burst into tears and in my surprise, I teared together with her. Heartbroken with God.

Oh God, how often we grieved You the same way. In our rebelliousness, we seek our independence from You. We forget Proverbs 16:9 as we pursue our own achievements. The ultimate idols we always fall back to worship is ourselves. Our autonomy. Our ego. Our glory. We often drag our feet to pray to You. Thinking it as a chore rather than communion. We read Your word but we fail to delight in You.

In the same way, we couldn't help ourselves even if we want to. We find no strength to go to You. That is why it is all the more sweet to know Jesus is our Savior. To know true love; He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Charlotte said it well. After her bawl, I reminded her again why we hope in Jesus. She wiped her tears and told me, "mommy, knowing this makes me want to repent and go back to God." Bless her soul. God, thank you for the precious understanding You gave her. Oh lord, please preserve her faith in You and may this seed blossom as she grows. In understanding of Your word, in love for You, in the giving up of her life for Jesus Her savior. May she knows you intimately and may you be with her every step of the way. Oh lord, Salvation is a gift and I pray lord you will bless Charlotte and Claire with your precious salvation, that Jesus will be their lord and savior. 

A Looooong Hiatus

Wow, the last post on this blog was all 7 years ago. I stop this blog when I was struggling through infertility. And went on to start other anonymous blogs (ie no pictures) which I eventually abandoned. I only remember this one. And as I go through the old blog posts, I begin to understand the beauty of journaling.  And how it can serve to praise God. We men are so forgetful. Check out the Old testament Israelite. Whether we are gentiles or Israelite, we are the same. We are the same sinful men who would forget God's goodness in the blink of an eye.

I have been reading Tim Challies Blog. Wonderful blog. My daily staple. And he mentioned the dying christian blogging scene. Yeah, I agree. With instagram and twitter, literature is no longer in vogue. I am no writer. No gift in that. But to record God's goodness in my life so I can look back when memories fail me in the future. Oh yeah. I am in.

During this 7 years, God gifted us 2 girls. Two precious girls all filled to brim with unicorns, pink glitters and princess capes. I love them dearly for they are reminders of God's goodness to me. And everyday I have to remind myself: that they belong to the Most High. They are His and somehow God has decided to risk it and placed them under my imperfect care. Last Sunday, we talked about idolatry during discussion after sermon. Yana mentioned that SAHM tends to be wary of children becoming our idols. But for her, she is driven to God even more. I feel the same way. They are our sanctification, not idols. Ha!

During this 7 years, God placed us in a Church. A wonderful church. Small, all 60-70 of us including children. And there are many of them. Most of us are active members. Which means we serve. And we serve hard. There is only so many of us and there are mountains of things to do. And we are joyfully doing that. Growing in God's word verse by verse, book by book and encouraging each other. Of course, we are sinful men so the church is not perfect. There are dissensions. There have been departures and probably more. But our love for His word continue to bind us together and forward.

During this 7 years, I left my work and become a full time stay home mom. I realized the art of running a household is a university course by itself. I realized the ability to conduct a meeting with the C level executives amount to nothing when you need to debone a chicken for dinner. I realize being able to conduct a seminar doesn't help you to maneuver across the floor filled with lego so you don't cripple yourself. But I have learnt that amidst the chaos at home, God is faithful. His commandments are right, giving joy to my heart. His word brings enlightenment to my life. I came to love his word. Even the Old testament. Heh! Because it shows His unrelenting love for us. Even if we draw away from Him time and time again, seeking our own independence and self worth.

During this 7 years, my marriage with Elson matured. We are naked in front of each other. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. We struggle through ups and downs of our spiritual walks but we learnt that we can't do it without Jesus in our marriage. My hope and expectation of a savior are not on his shoulders and vice versa. Only when we acknowledge that Jesus is the center of our life, and that we are both sinners under His kingship, then we will empathize and encourage each other to continue the path. We have to make a conscience effort not to become roommates instead of life partner under the busyness of life, serving in church and demands of young children. Date nights are infrequent but treasured when they come by. It has been an eventful 10 years. And we look forward to many years to come.

Now, the girls are in school in the morning. I have some time to myself. I want to reach out more. Exercise more. Plan more. But at the same time, I think one of the most important thing for me to do is to slow down and digest. I am reading a wonderful book, Teaching to Change Lives, by Howard Hendrick. One of the first things he said is to take an hour to read daily. Half an hour to read, and half an hour to review and reflect. I need to reflect more. On the readings from bible and books. There are gems but so often I read and move on busily and never get to internalize these precious wisdom and use them in my life.

Therefore, I want to restart this blog again. Hopefully, this will help me to live out God's word more.