God's divine plan on my barrenness
On sat morning, despite sleeping at 3am just a few hours ago, I woke up startled. My instinct told me to pick up my phone and check my email. And there it was, an email from one of my dearest friend in the world, Y, on her exciting embarkment in motherhood.
And in my email back to her, I communicated to her my most genuine best wishes. At the same time, I apologize for I was not able to be selflessly and wholeheartedly happy for her. The truth is, since my miscarriage, I have struggled. Struggled to fully appreciate the wonderful gifts He has given to me, apart from having children. Battled to keep positive and hopeful despite the monthly futile attempts. With patience quickly running out, I gradually felt ignored and unloved by Him.
I am without doubt, convinced of His love for us, but while the heart is willing, the mind is weak. I could not fathom the reason even as I know the reason was not for me to comprehend. And so, every month, I battle hard with my own voice in my head, trying to steer from self-pity and turn my eyes on Him instead and each time I failed mightily as I sobbed hard in Yong's arms.
But even as I indulged in the little sad world I built, something was happening. Yong was slowly opening his heart to Our Lord. Despite my earlier outbursts at his seemingly nonchalant attitude to Christ, he plodders on, slow and steady, in figuring out the unfamiliar world of Christianity. And to my surprise, after my ranting at Our Heavenly Father on his silence on our barrenness, Yong spoke for the first time about Him. In his quiet simple ways, he explained.
He told me that this little gate in his heart has been opened recently and he is now willing to know Him. And from the little he heard from me, Sunday church and bible study sessions, he understands that we are the sons and daughters of Our Heavenly Father, therefore, he would answer our prayers. While he does not know how it will be done, he thinks it is not for us to worry. He simply believes Our Father is listening and caring and all we need to do is to hold on to our faith.
My jaw dropped. Despite my one book per week reading speed, despite my bulldozer ways and hunger to know His Words, Yong's much shorter and brief understanding of His Words is far more profound than mine. My tears welled up again when Yong went on to say that he believes everything God plans and allows must have good purposes and reasons, liked how our miscarriage may have brought me closer to God and him to begin knowing Him.
And all through yesterday and today, God spoke to me. Through the newspapers (I don't normally read ST) article about parents whose children suffer from rare diseases. Through the christian bookshop I mindlessly entered, in which I found a book that was what I needed. Through today service which every single word my pastor uttered was what I needed to hear. I was a silly mess of tears and mucus by the end of the service. And yet I never felt better as Yong stood with me, taking communion together for the first time.
I, a mere mortal, can never understand God's way and plan. But I am beginning to grasp that while God can magically grant us our every wish, it may not be the best thing for us. It robs us of the opportunity to learn, experience and be truly marveled of His Glory. It is going to be so hard to keep my faith and my eyes on Him but now I have a wonderful partner with me in this life long journey to experience His Glory. And how gloriously wonderful is that!!
And in my email back to her, I communicated to her my most genuine best wishes. At the same time, I apologize for I was not able to be selflessly and wholeheartedly happy for her. The truth is, since my miscarriage, I have struggled. Struggled to fully appreciate the wonderful gifts He has given to me, apart from having children. Battled to keep positive and hopeful despite the monthly futile attempts. With patience quickly running out, I gradually felt ignored and unloved by Him.
I am without doubt, convinced of His love for us, but while the heart is willing, the mind is weak. I could not fathom the reason even as I know the reason was not for me to comprehend. And so, every month, I battle hard with my own voice in my head, trying to steer from self-pity and turn my eyes on Him instead and each time I failed mightily as I sobbed hard in Yong's arms.
But even as I indulged in the little sad world I built, something was happening. Yong was slowly opening his heart to Our Lord. Despite my earlier outbursts at his seemingly nonchalant attitude to Christ, he plodders on, slow and steady, in figuring out the unfamiliar world of Christianity. And to my surprise, after my ranting at Our Heavenly Father on his silence on our barrenness, Yong spoke for the first time about Him. In his quiet simple ways, he explained.
He told me that this little gate in his heart has been opened recently and he is now willing to know Him. And from the little he heard from me, Sunday church and bible study sessions, he understands that we are the sons and daughters of Our Heavenly Father, therefore, he would answer our prayers. While he does not know how it will be done, he thinks it is not for us to worry. He simply believes Our Father is listening and caring and all we need to do is to hold on to our faith.
My jaw dropped. Despite my one book per week reading speed, despite my bulldozer ways and hunger to know His Words, Yong's much shorter and brief understanding of His Words is far more profound than mine. My tears welled up again when Yong went on to say that he believes everything God plans and allows must have good purposes and reasons, liked how our miscarriage may have brought me closer to God and him to begin knowing Him.
And all through yesterday and today, God spoke to me. Through the newspapers (I don't normally read ST) article about parents whose children suffer from rare diseases. Through the christian bookshop I mindlessly entered, in which I found a book that was what I needed. Through today service which every single word my pastor uttered was what I needed to hear. I was a silly mess of tears and mucus by the end of the service. And yet I never felt better as Yong stood with me, taking communion together for the first time.
I, a mere mortal, can never understand God's way and plan. But I am beginning to grasp that while God can magically grant us our every wish, it may not be the best thing for us. It robs us of the opportunity to learn, experience and be truly marveled of His Glory. It is going to be so hard to keep my faith and my eyes on Him but now I have a wonderful partner with me in this life long journey to experience His Glory. And how gloriously wonderful is that!!
