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Random thoughts for random post.
Recently I found myself unable to resist walking into a cafe. Mostly alone. Sneak in during lunch or weekend mornings. Usually beside the window where the natural light makes the cutlery and crockery ensemble look the best. Time stands still while I savor the dishes, coffee and a book.
Not that it is a bad thing but to do it THAT often is not exactly the best thing for my monthly food budget. Besides, the immense pleasure I get out of these quiet moments almost feels sinful sometime. For those who read Eat Pray Love, it is my version of the Italy experience. And yes, not surprisingly, with all those carbs, I had the same hard time buttoning up the jeans these days. That is despite training and completing the 10km run. (Yes! Amazingly, I survived it!)
Midst of my borderline obsession with the cafe trips, I read this news about how caffeine impairs women's fertility. But as what Yann said in her blog (me loyal fan) before, I too know of people with one hand on coffee and other on cigarette having absolutely no problem getting a bun (make that BUNS) in the oven. But then again, when is the world fair?
Which brings me to the next point. My BFF confessed to me yesterday how bad she felt about breaking the news that two of our friends are pregnant again some weeks ago. She realized how insensitive she was since she knew I have been trying, well, with much less success when I responded with a long awkward silence.
It saddens me to hear that. This shows how small minded I am to make her think that. That I cannot be happy for my friends' happiness. Though it is true that I have been subconsciously avoiding gatherings. The SOP: Congratulate the next mother to be, scan the crowd for the married but still barren ones, posed the question of the year "when is your turn?" and watch them squirm in discomfort.
Jokes aside, deep down, I know they mean well. I do. And I am genuinely happy for my friends. I just can't get past reacting in defense to their innocent questions. I really really have to build up my skin so thick I would not even flinch when shoot with that damning question again. And spare my poor news and child bearer friends my ungracious response.
I really don't like me these days. How I have became this strange person afraid of her own friends. Terrified of some well meaning albeit insensitive words. Frightened of friends' offsprings (scarred for life because of one relative who insisted that I carried her son "because he will bring me luck in TTC')
My BFF's remark forces me to reflect on my recent evasive acts. Time to stop wallowing in self pity and embrace my friends' happiness wholeheartedly. It is not fair for me to rob them of their joy in spreading their happy news. I need to stop all my nonsense.
If everything goes well, July would be the start of a very busy 3 years. I signed up for Dip in Early Childhood Education recently. Told myself that I should not let my love for kids go to waste if the wait for mine gets really long. A small step towards facing my fears.
I continue to read up about Christian Faith. I still don't quite get it. But I know, without God, I would have been in an even darker place. And for that, I am thankful.
We have been floating the idea of going for 2 weeks trip in Bhutan later this year. For a country who uses Gross National Happiness (GNP) to measure its policy success, it is awfully expensive to travel there. Decisions.. decisions....
Recently I found myself unable to resist walking into a cafe. Mostly alone. Sneak in during lunch or weekend mornings. Usually beside the window where the natural light makes the cutlery and crockery ensemble look the best. Time stands still while I savor the dishes, coffee and a book.
Not that it is a bad thing but to do it THAT often is not exactly the best thing for my monthly food budget. Besides, the immense pleasure I get out of these quiet moments almost feels sinful sometime. For those who read Eat Pray Love, it is my version of the Italy experience. And yes, not surprisingly, with all those carbs, I had the same hard time buttoning up the jeans these days. That is despite training and completing the 10km run. (Yes! Amazingly, I survived it!)
Midst of my borderline obsession with the cafe trips, I read this news about how caffeine impairs women's fertility. But as what Yann said in her blog (me loyal fan) before, I too know of people with one hand on coffee and other on cigarette having absolutely no problem getting a bun (make that BUNS) in the oven. But then again, when is the world fair?
Which brings me to the next point. My BFF confessed to me yesterday how bad she felt about breaking the news that two of our friends are pregnant again some weeks ago. She realized how insensitive she was since she knew I have been trying, well, with much less success when I responded with a long awkward silence.
It saddens me to hear that. This shows how small minded I am to make her think that. That I cannot be happy for my friends' happiness. Though it is true that I have been subconsciously avoiding gatherings. The SOP: Congratulate the next mother to be, scan the crowd for the married but still barren ones, posed the question of the year "when is your turn?" and watch them squirm in discomfort.
Jokes aside, deep down, I know they mean well. I do. And I am genuinely happy for my friends. I just can't get past reacting in defense to their innocent questions. I really really have to build up my skin so thick I would not even flinch when shoot with that damning question again. And spare my poor news and child bearer friends my ungracious response.
I really don't like me these days. How I have became this strange person afraid of her own friends. Terrified of some well meaning albeit insensitive words. Frightened of friends' offsprings (scarred for life because of one relative who insisted that I carried her son "because he will bring me luck in TTC')
My BFF's remark forces me to reflect on my recent evasive acts. Time to stop wallowing in self pity and embrace my friends' happiness wholeheartedly. It is not fair for me to rob them of their joy in spreading their happy news. I need to stop all my nonsense.
If everything goes well, July would be the start of a very busy 3 years. I signed up for Dip in Early Childhood Education recently. Told myself that I should not let my love for kids go to waste if the wait for mine gets really long. A small step towards facing my fears.
I continue to read up about Christian Faith. I still don't quite get it. But I know, without God, I would have been in an even darker place. And for that, I am thankful.
We have been floating the idea of going for 2 weeks trip in Bhutan later this year. For a country who uses Gross National Happiness (GNP) to measure its policy success, it is awfully expensive to travel there. Decisions.. decisions....
6 comments:
Big hugs, dear. :)
I know how you feel. Sometimes I just want to hide away from the world and not face anybody. And when I hear of others' happiness, I feel sad for myself. But life goes on! We'll get there eventually. :)
Sometime it is so much easier just to run away from everyone and deal with it in solitude. But yah that only happens in movies. :p sigh... Thanks for the sweet message and hug. Really needed it.
Hello.
This post struck a chord in me. I guess.. there's a time for everything, and that includes a time to be sad, and a time to run away, if only for awhile. Don't be too hard on yourself! The dots will eventually connect (I believe..?)
Have a lovely weekend!
Thanks gal. 也有让自己歇斯底里的时侯。之后发现问题都还在。只能收拾心情再继续走下去。但有短暂的发泄也是好的。希望我能再勇敢些。：）
Hi
I guess it's harder for me to relate to this post and put myself in your position because I'm not at the point in my life when I'm ready to settle down yet. Nonetheless, I can identify the part when you mention about how it's hard to stop wallowing in self pity and instead, to embrace in their happiness. There were times in life when I felt exactly like that.. like i tried to be happy for them but beneath the facade, i can't truly bring myself to do so. Yet, does it makes us feel happy to behave in such a manner? I think we both know that it doesn't. So, as hard as it might sound, we, ourselves, have to slowly learn how to let go of such obstacles that might otherwise hinder our "happiness".
I love travelling so I'd definitely say.. take a break and travel to Bhutan! :) i've heard nothing but amazing things about Bhutan so far!
Realised all these self pity stems from being too self absorbed. Once I put the I, me, myself into perspective, it becomes easier to be happy for others. I am much better now. Thanks for all the encouragements.
Bhutan might be on hold. Sigh.. my course schedule does not seemed to allow a luxurious 2 weeks break. Sigh...
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