To my dearest angel in heaven

My dearest angel in heaven

Mummy read a book named “heaven is for real” after knowing your departure from the nice baby doctor. I believe you must be sitting in Jesus’ lap, looking down at Mummy and Daddy, listening to the angels sing. And I believe Father God and Jesus must have told you how much they know and feel Mummy and Daddy’s pain in losing you. I believe, my little angel, that one day we will hold you in our arms in heaven. Just have a great time there in the meanwhile.

You know, one of the happiest day of Mummy’s life is when I waved the positive pregnancy  kit in front of your Daddy’s face. I will never forget his face. You know Daddy is not the most expressive person right? :) He had the biggest biggest grin on his face and oh, how his eyes sparkled and gradually turned into tears. As we hugged each other, marveled in joy at your miraculous conception. How wonderful you were , this gift from God! Baby, we waited for you for so long. The ecstasy of knowing the wait for you is finally over. There were so many times I wanted to go to the baby doctor for help but I held back because Father God told me I don’t need to. And He was right! You were a miracle, conceived naturally in my womb, by God, by His Love and by His blessing.

You opened our world, my angel. The year of anxiety, doubts, shame and deep sadness came to an end. Both Mummy and Daddy could not stop thinking how you would look liked, what sex you were, if you would like the nursery Daddy spent hours at night designing,  and if you would like the cardigan Mummy was planning to knit for you. We walked into department stores with renewed eyes, sourcing out all baby related items and contemplate when where and how to place them in our home for you. Baby, you were sheer joy even when you were just two months in my womb, still just a heartbeat and a dot. So tiny yet so great!

Oh, yes, your heartbeat! That day we left the baby doctor’s office, clutching the photo of you just a wiggling dot and your breath, your heartbeat in our hands. We could not stop grinning to each other. It was one of the happiest moments of our lives. And we could not wait to tell the world about you and share our joy.

Maybe it was the mother’s instinct. Maybe it was just my anxious self. I would never know. But Mummy was afraid to tell too many people. After much thought, I only told your grandma and some of mummy’s closest friends and boss, your loving aunties. It was too early. Your size were too small for your age. Your heartbeat abit too slow. These were the nudging small thoughts that bothered me. But the joy of having you was overwhelming and I did not really entertained much of these nasty thoughts. and never allow fear to dominate. And so I went on everyday praying for your health and thanking Father God for your miraculous conception. For most part of the days, Mummy and Daddy were just happily planning for your arrival.

That is why, my angel, it was especially hard when the monitor showed you quiet and still in the 3rd scan. You were the same size as the scan before. But awfully still. The baby doctor could no longer detect your heartbeat. Five days later, we tried again but you looked exactly the same. Baby angel, you left Mummy and Daddy as abruptly as you came. My heart broke to think that we would never have the chance to hold you in our arms. But at the same time, we were so grateful for the happiness you brought in your short span with us. As you can see, my baby, Mummy got quite crazy oscillating wildly between sad and happy thoughts.

Your grandma is a sweetheart. She kept cooking and brewing soup for Mummy. I know that is her way of saying she loves me very much. Grandma is very encouraging. Oh my angel, I would not know what to do without your granny’s love. Your aunties were very sweet too. Though most of them did not know what to say to console me. But you know Mummy, don’t you, angel? What Mummy really needs is alots of space and time alone to miss you, think about you and remember you. And so I told them that and they send their love the way i needed. Your auntie Yim was so sad for Mummy she cried halfway across the globe, and wrote email that was so filled with love that comforted Mummy so so much. 

Baby angel, I was so angry with Jesus and Father God for allowing you to be taken away. But after reading through book and the bible, I understood that i will never understand why God does what He did, but His loving nature and goodness is undeniable. I know that deeply because He gave me your Daddy who must be an angel sent into Mummy’s life. He must be very sad as well and yet he continued to hold himself up as the strong pillar of strength for me. My precious, you know, sometime when i woke up in bed beside Daddy, I would feel so blessed just looking at his face. And wonder how gracious God is to bless me with this wonderful man. For without him, I would not know how to go through all these dark moments.

During this period, people mummy had never met in her life, liked the anesthetist and TCM uncle, came forward in the most unexpected ways to provide Mummy with comfort I needed so much at that point. Baby darling, Mummy is so lucky to meet so many kind souls. Again, that has to come from God. And if Mummy is to think beyond the immediate pain of losing you, I am a very blessed woman. My love, my dearest baby, I know in my heart that you are now at a very very good place, surrounded by love thousand times more than I am experiencing now. Mummy is now picking up the pieces with Daddy and moving on in our lives. We would however, always remember you in our heart and I look so forward to the day we hold you in our arms in heaven.

Love you so so so much

Mummy

Ps: Mummy used to feel so sad and inadequate when others have their babies. Always wondering what was wrong with me. Strangely, after having you, all those bitterness left along with you. The mummies of these healthy babies may not know, but I know how much it takes for every precious lives, every bouncing healthy babies to be conceived and carried through term and born successfully. That every child I see is a miracle in itself. So how can I feel bitter towards such wonderful miracles? And so I thank you, my love, for bringing peace into my heart and taking away the bitterness I fought over the last one year. Thank you my little angel in heaven.