Light at the end of the tunnel

Back at work for a week by now. The two weeks break was well-utilized. Spent all my time doing nothing and it was just what i needed. So by the time it was time to go back to work, I was raring to go. Always thought I hated working but turned out I was just burnt out.

The week passed uneventfully. Except for the occasional twinges which reminded me of my empty womb. But other than those brief moments of melancholy, I surprised myself at how well I handled post miscarriage life. I even survived a baby shower completed with room full of running and screaming toddlers and awkward questions from acquaintances. I was whatsapping Miss Ene that perhaps miscarriage has thickened my skin somehow. All the fears I had before somehow evaporated. Maybe it is also because I regarded myself every bit a mother as my friend. Only difference is that mine is in heaven. Hence, unexpectedly, I am emotionally stronger than before. And that I am finally able to bask in friends’ joy of receiving their newborns without any hint of bitterness is truly liberating. And let me take the opportunity to congratulate Yann on her mini bean. It had not been an easy journey for you but what sweet sweet victory you have now! And just liked what Mr Thick said, you bring us hope.

Of course the two weeks break was not easy. The pain of loss was so excruciating at times I would do anything to stop it. Depressing thoughts I confided in Yong scared both of us. Dark moments I would never want to visit again. But it was also at that lowest point I told myself that it was enough and I had to move on. The thought that my baby is now in good hands was my strongest motivation and best comfort.

My voice still wavers and eyes still mist when friends and families send their regards. I still winced when another friend announced her pregnancy and sighed longingly when I realized my due date would have been the same as hers. Stared wistfully at my friend’s hubby doing a very public display of affection over his son. But through these, I learn to manage my grief without shutting off the world liked I usually would. Learn to appreciate the fragility and strength of a new life. And empathize with my friend’s hubby, because behind the overzealous smooching and kissing of their newborn, was years of waiting and trying.

You may call me a starry eyed optimist but this is my way of coping. I just can't live my life in bitterness and envy and the recent change of mindset, albeit it came because of an unfortunate cause, freed me and I emerged, somehow, more at peace than before.

I had quite abit of encouragements from friends not give up and try again. Coincidentally my gynae also advised that. Contrary to what the online forums advocate, he said there is no need to wait 3 to 6 months for the womb to "rest". If any, the wait is more for emotional healing. His nurse even pulled me aside to tell me testimonies of patients who succeeded the very next month they miscarried and encouraged me to try. We were very touched by their gentle assurances.

But for now, we are going to take it easy on this matter. Letting go and letting God. I fell madly in love with Yong all over again. So we are gonna do some serious pak-tor-ing. Going to Bhutan end year (finally!). And looking forward to spend time on my new kindle. So yes, I think I will be alright.

Heartfelt thank you to all who have left messages/emails/sms. I treasure every one of them for they have been a great source of motivation for me. Thank you thank you thank you.