Wait by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

One of my pastors warned that we do not interpret this poem to think that God is withholding happiness from us. That is unscriptural and not the nature of God. I understand and totally agree because that is not the God I know and read about.

Nonetheless, I love this poem. It depicts my feelings about waiting perfectly and reminds me of God's faithfulness and love for us.

I want a Silvana...

No.. not the Italian screen siren, Silvana Mangano, but the Fendi bag named after her. I have been googling, reading, re-reading and agreeing fervently on blog posts that gush and swoon over how classic yet versatile this gorgeous bag is. My fashion guru colleague urged me to go down to the store to take a look myself because he is convinced that the F logo on the strap cheapens the bag. Any gals familiar with this bag agree? Another quip I have about this bag is that even though it looks pretty versatile, one still have to look relatively smart casual to carry this off, no? So that means a no-no for the usual T-shirt and shorts outfits I don in over weekends. Hmm...

Anyhow, check out the pictures of this beautiful baby.. I love the color blocking of the SS11 collection, especially this one:

Source from Purseblog

But i don't mind this...

Source from Motte Preorder

Or this... (in my fav. color for bags)

Source from Luisaviroma

And this, croc version of the first silvana above, seen on SJP...

Source from vintagestylepurse

And last but not the least, my fav fav fav version in glorious seventies vintage chic..

Source from bagsnob

Alas the fashion guru says the above version is easily replicated and he predicts that before long, replica of it will be all over town.

What do you think?

Missing Krabi already...

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Have been traveling extensively for the last couple of weeks. Since they are for leisure, I am well rested and unexpectedly joyous on a Monday morning.

July is my birthday month. With overwhelmingly numerous negative reports on having children too late, birthdays are no longer a celebration of birth but rude reminders of my aging body. Coupled with my want-it-right-here-right-now personality, ahh.. you can only imagine my level of anxiety preceding the hatchday

Since the last post, my emotions have gone on a roller coaster ride. My f4 (closest girlfriends) kind of “confronted” me on how I have shut them off emotionally recently. Truth is, I don’t really know how to confide in them; one of them blissfully awaiting the birth of her 2^nd child. I was angry with them for forcing me to a corner. Then sad, to have make them awkward when that was the last thing I wanted (hence my evasive behavior). Finally helpless, because I don’t really know how to behave anymore. All I wanted was to be left alone to deal with myself.

There is this area at my hipbones that really hurt during my daily massage (Thai massage rocks!) at Krabi. As usual, I consulted our in house TCM guru/colleague (he is doing part time TCM studies) and his reply kind of stunned me. The area represents pent up emotions and over time, it will hurt if they are not released. Ah…as if I need more reminders.

Anyway, the two short but fabulous holidays helped to bring me out of the emotional rut I was in. I straighten my thoughts and now feel more encouraged about my future. I had my first class last week and it feels great to be back studying again. I signed up for crocheting class and am so looking forward to start this Saturday.

One of my girls commented that I can get very obsessive. And I concur. Only thing is that my obsessions are usually short lived. They usually get to a point I know I have to stop. And here I am, gaining control back in my life. Taking the spotlight off that one area of my life and regaining clarity over rest. And thank LORD for that.

Latest (good) addiction: summer photo series from one of the blogs I regularly stalked.

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Random thoughts for random post.

Recently I found myself unable to resist walking into a cafe. Mostly alone. Sneak in during lunch or weekend mornings. Usually beside the window where the natural light makes the cutlery and crockery ensemble look the best. Time stands still while I savor the dishes, coffee and a book.

Not that it is a bad thing but to do it THAT often is not exactly the best thing for my monthly food budget. Besides, the immense pleasure I get out of these quiet moments almost feels sinful sometime. For those who read Eat Pray Love, it is my version of the Italy experience. And yes, not surprisingly, with all those carbs, I had the same hard time buttoning up the jeans these days. That is despite training and completing the 10km run. (Yes! Amazingly, I survived it!)

Midst of my borderline obsession with the cafe trips, I read this news about how caffeine impairs women's fertility. But as what Yann said in her blog (me loyal fan) before, I too know of people with one hand on coffee and other on cigarette having absolutely no problem getting a bun (make that BUNS) in the oven. But then again, when is the world fair?

Which brings me to the next point. My BFF confessed to me yesterday how bad she felt about breaking the news that two of our friends are pregnant again some weeks ago. She realized how insensitive she was since she knew I have been trying, well, with much less success when I responded with a long awkward silence.

It saddens me to hear that. This shows how small minded I am to make her think that. That I cannot be happy for my friends' happiness. Though it is true that I have been subconsciously avoiding gatherings. The SOP: Congratulate the next mother to be, scan the crowd for the married but still barren ones, posed the question of the year "when is your turn?" and watch them squirm in discomfort.

Jokes aside, deep down, I know they mean well. I do. And I am genuinely happy for my friends. I just can't get past reacting in defense to their innocent questions. I really really have to build up my skin so thick I would not even flinch when shoot with that damning question again. And spare my poor news and child bearer friends my ungracious response.

I really don't like me these days. How I have became this strange person afraid of her own friends. Terrified of some well meaning albeit insensitive words. Frightened of friends' offsprings (scarred for life because of one relative who insisted that I carried her son "because he will bring me luck in TTC')

My BFF's remark forces me to reflect on my recent evasive acts. Time to stop wallowing in self pity and embrace my friends' happiness wholeheartedly. It is not fair for me to rob them of their joy in spreading their happy news. I need to stop all my nonsense.

If everything goes well, July would be the start of a very busy 3 years. I signed up for Dip in Early Childhood Education recently. Told myself that I should not let my love for kids go to waste if the wait for mine gets really long. A small step towards facing my fears.

I continue to read up about Christian Faith. I still don't quite get it. But I know, without God, I would have been in an even darker place. And for that, I am thankful.

We have been floating the idea of going for 2 weeks trip in Bhutan later this year. For a country who uses Gross National Happiness (GNP) to measure its policy success, it is awfully expensive to travel there. Decisions.. decisions....

One year wedding anniversary

The long weekend last week was timely for our wedding anniversary. Yes, a year has flew past and what a year!

Took Monday off to make it a short 4 days break and we thought about grand plans to celebrate. But ended up watching 同伊 this addictive korean period drama which is similar to 大长今. I am a big fan of the latter (I watched it 7 times, yes you heard that right) so it is no brainer that we love 同伊 as well. So after 4 days of pigging out in front of the TV (all lunch and dinners in front of it) till late night just to watch that one more episode, we decided we should do something more ... healthy. 

Signed up with Climb Asia for the sport climbing course last weekend and had a blast though i could hardly clench my fists at the end of the day. It is actually pretty therapeutic to watch others climb liked monkeys from wall to wall. 

We are kind of scared of our half watched 同伊 DVDs now. They are liked drugs. The moment you start you can't stop. Argh.. waiting for the next long weekend to waste in front of the TV. 

We are adding on the photo frames montage that Yong did up previously. I had to choose the photos this time and while going through old photos, I found this and can't resist posting this. Love the muted colors. And the pink bedsheet I used to sleep on during weekend sleepover at Yong's old place. 

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Cheapo me finally came to terms to part with $171 to move the piano from mum's place (just one block away from mine!!). So after one long year of pining, I am reunited with my black baby.

Spent some hours playing all my old favorite pieces for Yong. And the familiar tunes brought back many memories. For moments, I was back in secondary school again, practicing my exam pieces, struggling to play my beloved Romantic Era pieces with my tiny hands. Happiness.

Monday, my boss checked in with me. She knew how fixated I was with the election and was concerned if I was happy with the election results. I guess I am. After reading countless desktop warriors' analysis and numerous coffee-tea-lunch-dinner-supper sessions with election news junkies friends and family, i kind of expected this result. It was a long shot but I really hoped SDP would get a GRC too. But of cos, that would be asking too much from my fellow Singaporean, isn't it? Oh well..