We will all be with God one day

We have been doing HBL (home based learning) for the past week, leading to Children's day. And as per my exasperated fellow moms' cries, everyday is a children's day for them now. And indeed it is. The girls have been going to bed later each night, energized by their sleep in mornings. Every morning. 

So when Claire, yet again, came out of her room after bedtime, I was ready to holler her back to bed. But when she came, misty eyed, muttering “如果mommy 和daddy有一天死掉了，那我和姐姐会怎么样？”, I hesitated for a second (she is after all an excellent actress), and then softened. 

I took her into my arms and looked her in her eyes. And told her that if one day we die, we will surely meet again. Because the bible said so. That one day, when we all die, we will gather with Jesus and God, and we will be reunited again. In the meanwhile, if that is to happen, we have already prepared everything. There will be people we have asked to take care of her and Jie Jie. We will certainly not leave them all alone. And God gave her a wonderful gift, her best friend, Jie Jie who will be with her. And above all, God is always with her. No matter what happened. 

With that, she wiped her tears, she gave me a hug and went back to sleep. No fuss. No arguing. Just trust. Oh that precious faith. 

I remember I used to have the same fear when I was young. I woke my mom one night, crying, telling her I don't want her to die. She gave a little laugh and instead of scolding me, she sent me back to bed gently saying "不会的啦". I remember that fear. And the gentleness from her. I hope Claire will remember this moment too. But this time round, she has a better assurance. An eternal assurance. From God himself. That we will all gather in a place, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands, but by the hands of our Lord Jesus, a place where we will never perish, where tears are wiped away by Lord the father himself. 

Sleep my dearest. Sleep. Rest my dearest. Rest. For nothing reassures us more than that. That nothing, not  death, not life, not angels, not rulers, not power, not height, nor depth, nothing, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. May your heart be wrapped in this assuring peace, not of the world, but from Jesus, and sleep. 

Our bodies are temples of God

As I walked down the busiest streets of Singapore, I saw billboards after billboards, advertisements after advertisements claiming painless, non-invasive , no down time, all in 30 minutes miracles to stop or reverse the signs of aging. All wrinkles ironed, all bulges smoothed, to look liked you are 20 years younger or I dare say look even better. I was intrigued, curious for myself as I am at the turn of the decade, when time is no longer kind to me. But at the same time, I wonder if would I really do that? Putting aside the financial constraint that a single income family has, if I have the money in the world, would I?

I started to daydream. What if these beauty miracles are accessible and affordable for everyone? What if the streets are now filled of perfect, impeccable, beautiful slender people? What if I can easily erased the signs of me giving birth to two children completely? What if I can don the size and shape I was before pregnancy? What if I no longer have to stare down at my wrinkled saggy loose skin but to have taut smooth tight tummy? What if the wrinkles around my eyes can be smoothed out, the evidence of the years of growing older and wiser are eradicated in 30 minutes non invasive procedure? What if my grey dull skin can be rejuvenated to look 20 years younger brimming with youth?

What if the streets are filled with homogeneous youthful looking people? All evidence of the years of growing up, growing wiser, rearing children, growing old with your loved ones, all erased completely? Is that what we truly want?

I often look at pictures of rich socialites who can afford the lifestyle many of us can only dream of. At some point, when time is no longer kind, their faces will change. Or should I say, remain unchanged in an unnatural doll like manner. I would oscillate between marvel and horror at the bright pale faces of these ladies, skin taut but face emotionless, san the wrinkles and lines when you smile, frown or cry. I would check their age and try to detect any signs of that number from their slender youthful bodies. I wonder if their children would find it weird to cuddle up to their moms who look liked they are only a few years older, wearing their clothes. I remember when I was young, I love to fall asleep on my mom. Her tummy is soft and plushy and warm, a perfect place to take a short nap. I wonder if these children can do that on those flat toned stomach.

There are another group of women who shun these procedures but rely on skincare routine, facial yoga or uncover some ancient secret rituals to maintain their youthfulness. But even then, at some point, their skin cannot defy gravity, something gotta go and it will be evident eventually. I watched many Taiwanese beauty shows which showcased some of these senior ladies looking liked they are locked in time in their twenties and everyone would marvel and heap praises on them. But I have follow enough of these shows to know they eventually look their age years down.

I understand. I do. I grapple with aging. With metabolism rate declining rapidly as I reach 40, I have to watch what I eat and drag myself to exercise regularly. I put on cream to hopefully slow down the evidence of aging on my face, reducing those deep wrinkles around my eyes when I smile. I hope I look younger than my age and there is this perverted desire that I want to look younger than my peers. 

Yet, I see the futility in all these. We will eventually grow old. No matter how much we try, we can’t stop death. The bible said so very very clearly. This makes me think of Satan. You see, he has lost the battle against God. All over the bible, it is clear he will one day be thrown into the eternal fire. But he doesn’t give up. He continues to lie, to deceive and tempt us away from God. We Christian know the truth but we too get lured away and we sometime believe the lies he say. That we can control aging and that it is good to look slim, young and eternal. But eventually it is just a desperate futile effort. Much liked those senior ladies who relentlessly strive to stop evidence of aging on their bodies, the result is unnatural, fake and desperate. Just like satan. 

I don’t know the point of writing all these out. I guess I will continue to struggle with aging. But hopefully I will one day reconcile the truth of true satisfaction being with God eternally within me and put at rest those lies. To know that this body is the temple of God which is for us to cherish and behold not criticize and lament. To one day be fully satisfied with this unique body God has gifted us. To take care of this temple of God that he has given us so we can do the work He has given us to do in this short life. To be responsible in my lifestyle choices, to keep it healthy without obsessing about how it looks according to this world beauty standard. As Paul famously say, I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate. I guess it will be a lifelong struggle in every aspect of my life. 

Restraining my lips

I have been thinking alot about our speech lately. And I have this nagging feeling that I have not been making the best choice of words. Whether is it speaking too much, or not speaking up when I should, being more gentle in my approach, or just enjoying a good gossip. It is subtle. This sin of bad speech. Whether being the one to give or on the receiving end. Either way, I have not been discerning.

So yesterday, as I go through Proverbs 10, I felt really convicted of this sin. I stopped my reading and got down to pray and confess my sin. I woke up this morning meditating on James 3 on how the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. It can curse or pour forth blessing. Which one have I been doing more lately?

It doesn't have to be outright "you know that who and who is doing that and that?" kind of gossip. It can be comments about others masqueraded as concern and care of their well-being. Or even more deceivingly, their spiritual lives. When in fact, we are just displeased with their way of lives and we want to vent our frustration. Turn the table around, while we do not speak of such matters, we are as guilty when we quietly listen and respond to such speech.

Through Proverbs 10, it speaks of how much the fools talk. Babbling fool, when words are many transgression is not lacking, whoever utters slander is a fool,. The opposite is also clearly stated: whoever restrains his lips is prudent, whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life, the wise lay up knowledge, whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense but a man of understanding remains silent. And these truth and wisdom just pierce my heart.

While being of few words doesn't mean you will be wise, but speaking without restraint or much thought is sure to do much more damage and it is much much easier to be that "babbling fool". And I tend to think and speak quickly. I am also not as sensitive and observant as I should be at this ripe age of 40. Hence it is definitely more prudent and wise for me to delay speaking up. To think through carefully my choice of words. To do a silent prayer to God before speaking so the Spirit may guide my words. To take a breather before speaking to my children when they misbehave and when I am running out of patience.

How can I honor God with my speech?

That is the question of the week. Plenty of the Word to ponder and meditate over. Oh Lord, please guide me in my pursue of self control over my speech. May I slow down and approach your throne before giving in to my desire to unload what is on my mind. May I remember how powerful our speech can and help me Lord to build people up instead of setting forests on fire. Help me Lord to discern if the audience is ready to listen to advice or if they just want a listening ear. Let me be a good listener as well as a careful speaker. Dear Lord, as I approach this this week, may i do everything out of the remembrance of Jesus grace to me and that sweet salvation I enjoy because of His sacrifice. May that be the foundation and motivation of whatever I do. May i act out of the abundance of the grace that is lavished upon me and that I can be gracious to others because I was so graciously dealt. Help me and guide me Lord.  

Reading through Old testament

I have never read through Old Testament before. Till this year when our church embarked on reading OT together through the year. I felt like giving up so many time. But with Pastor Roger doing a summary of each book, I managed to get through 3/4 of OT not completely lost.

It was tough. It really was. Alot of the same thing. Over and over again. But it is through these tedious repetitions that I began to understand abit more about our amazing God.

He used alot of illustrations to give understanding of His love for Israel. The love of a husband to a wife. The love of a father to his son. The untiring, relentless, never ending love. Regardless of the waywardness of the son. No matter the infidelity of the unfaithful wife. God flew into jealous rage and anger. He punished because He is righteous and there is no way He could let sin go. But at the end of the wrathful rant, He will always always end off with a way out. There is always always grace to be found.

Ultimately, before the start of the world, God has already prepared a redemption plan. A way of escape for those whom He elected. Because of our sinfulness, because of our inability to go to Him, He came down to die for our sin. He came down for those He loves. He gave himself up so we can be with Him again. This time with sin completely forgiven.

I have been telling Charlotte how much God loves to have us intimate with Him. He doesn't need our prayers, He doesn't need our sacrifice in Temple, He doesn't need our money. He is all sufficient. But He loves for us to be near Him. Liked when Adam and Eve walked with Him in Garden of Eden. They fellowshipped together. No sin to tear them apart. We go to Him and enjoy Him. For He is love. For He is goodness. For He is our ultimate joy.

Some weeks back, I was so deeply touched by Pastor's sermon on Ezekiel. I told Charlotte what I read when she asked to hear more Bible stories. I told her how God was so heartbroken when His people worshiped other gods in His very own temple. Because of their sins, God had to leave the temple. But He lingered at every step He took away from the temple. At the threshold. At the courtyard. At the gate. At the mountain. He paused as if to turn back to take a another look at the people He dearly loved. Charlotte burst into tears and in my surprise, I teared together with her. Heartbroken with God.

Oh God, how often we grieved You the same way. In our rebelliousness, we seek our independence from You. We forget Proverbs 16:9 as we pursue our own achievements. The ultimate idols we always fall back to worship is ourselves. Our autonomy. Our ego. Our glory. We often drag our feet to pray to You. Thinking it as a chore rather than communion. We read Your word but we fail to delight in You.

In the same way, we couldn't help ourselves even if we want to. We find no strength to go to You. That is why it is all the more sweet to know Jesus is our Savior. To know true love; He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Charlotte said it well. After her bawl, I reminded her again why we hope in Jesus. She wiped her tears and told me, "mommy, knowing this makes me want to repent and go back to God." Bless her soul. God, thank you for the precious understanding You gave her. Oh lord, please preserve her faith in You and may this seed blossom as she grows. In understanding of Your word, in love for You, in the giving up of her life for Jesus Her savior. May she knows you intimately and may you be with her every step of the way. Oh lord, Salvation is a gift and I pray lord you will bless Charlotte and Claire with your precious salvation, that Jesus will be their lord and savior. 

A Looooong Hiatus

Wow, the last post on this blog was all 7 years ago. I stop this blog when I was struggling through infertility. And went on to start other anonymous blogs (ie no pictures) which I eventually abandoned. I only remember this one. And as I go through the old blog posts, I begin to understand the beauty of journaling.  And how it can serve to praise God. We men are so forgetful. Check out the Old testament Israelite. Whether we are gentiles or Israelite, we are the same. We are the same sinful men who would forget God's goodness in the blink of an eye.

I have been reading Tim Challies Blog. Wonderful blog. My daily staple. And he mentioned the dying christian blogging scene. Yeah, I agree. With instagram and twitter, literature is no longer in vogue. I am no writer. No gift in that. But to record God's goodness in my life so I can look back when memories fail me in the future. Oh yeah. I am in.

During this 7 years, God gifted us 2 girls. Two precious girls all filled to brim with unicorns, pink glitters and princess capes. I love them dearly for they are reminders of God's goodness to me. And everyday I have to remind myself: that they belong to the Most High. They are His and somehow God has decided to risk it and placed them under my imperfect care. Last Sunday, we talked about idolatry during discussion after sermon. Yana mentioned that SAHM tends to be wary of children becoming our idols. But for her, she is driven to God even more. I feel the same way. They are our sanctification, not idols. Ha!

During this 7 years, God placed us in a Church. A wonderful church. Small, all 60-70 of us including children. And there are many of them. Most of us are active members. Which means we serve. And we serve hard. There is only so many of us and there are mountains of things to do. And we are joyfully doing that. Growing in God's word verse by verse, book by book and encouraging each other. Of course, we are sinful men so the church is not perfect. There are dissensions. There have been departures and probably more. But our love for His word continue to bind us together and forward.

During this 7 years, I left my work and become a full time stay home mom. I realized the art of running a household is a university course by itself. I realized the ability to conduct a meeting with the C level executives amount to nothing when you need to debone a chicken for dinner. I realize being able to conduct a seminar doesn't help you to maneuver across the floor filled with lego so you don't cripple yourself. But I have learnt that amidst the chaos at home, God is faithful. His commandments are right, giving joy to my heart. His word brings enlightenment to my life. I came to love his word. Even the Old testament. Heh! Because it shows His unrelenting love for us. Even if we draw away from Him time and time again, seeking our own independence and self worth.

During this 7 years, my marriage with Elson matured. We are naked in front of each other. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. We struggle through ups and downs of our spiritual walks but we learnt that we can't do it without Jesus in our marriage. My hope and expectation of a savior are not on his shoulders and vice versa. Only when we acknowledge that Jesus is the center of our life, and that we are both sinners under His kingship, then we will empathize and encourage each other to continue the path. We have to make a conscience effort not to become roommates instead of life partner under the busyness of life, serving in church and demands of young children. Date nights are infrequent but treasured when they come by. It has been an eventful 10 years. And we look forward to many years to come.

Now, the girls are in school in the morning. I have some time to myself. I want to reach out more. Exercise more. Plan more. But at the same time, I think one of the most important thing for me to do is to slow down and digest. I am reading a wonderful book, Teaching to Change Lives, by Howard Hendrick. One of the first things he said is to take an hour to read daily. Half an hour to read, and half an hour to review and reflect. I need to reflect more. On the readings from bible and books. There are gems but so often I read and move on busily and never get to internalize these precious wisdom and use them in my life.

Therefore, I want to restart this blog again. Hopefully, this will help me to live out God's word more.

God's divine plan on my barrenness

On sat morning, despite sleeping at 3am just a few hours ago, I woke up startled. My instinct told me to pick up my phone and check my email. And there it was, an email from one of my dearest friend in the world, Y, on her exciting embarkment in motherhood.

And in my email back to her, I communicated to her my most genuine best wishes. At the same time, I apologize for I was not able to be selflessly and wholeheartedly happy for her. The truth is, since my miscarriage, I have struggled. Struggled to fully appreciate the wonderful gifts He has given to me, apart from having children. Battled to keep positive and hopeful despite the monthly futile attempts. With patience quickly running out, I gradually felt ignored and unloved by Him.

I am without doubt, convinced of His love for us, but while the heart is willing, the mind is weak. I could not fathom the reason even as I know the reason was not for me to comprehend. And so, every month, I battle hard with my own voice in my head, trying to steer from self-pity and turn my eyes on Him instead and each time I failed mightily as I sobbed hard in Yong's arms.

But even as I indulged in the little sad world I built, something was happening. Yong was slowly opening his heart to Our Lord. Despite my earlier outbursts at his seemingly nonchalant attitude to Christ, he plodders on, slow and steady, in figuring out the unfamiliar world of Christianity. And to my surprise, after my ranting at Our Heavenly Father on his silence on our barrenness, Yong spoke for the first time about Him. In his quiet simple ways, he explained.

He told me that this little gate in his heart has been opened recently and he is now willing to know Him. And from the little he heard from me, Sunday church and bible study sessions, he understands that we are the sons and daughters of Our Heavenly Father, therefore, he would answer our prayers. While he does not know how it will be done, he thinks it is not for us to worry. He simply believes Our Father is listening and caring and all we need to do is to hold on to our faith.

My jaw dropped. Despite my one book per week reading speed, despite my bulldozer ways and hunger to know His Words, Yong's much shorter and brief understanding of His Words is far more profound than mine. My tears welled up again when Yong went on to say that he believes everything God plans and allows must have good purposes and reasons, liked how our miscarriage may have brought me closer to God and him to begin knowing Him.

And all through yesterday and today, God spoke to me. Through the newspapers (I don't normally read ST) article about parents whose children suffer from rare diseases. Through the christian bookshop I mindlessly entered, in which I found a book that was what I needed. Through today service which every single word my pastor uttered was what I needed to hear. I was a silly mess of tears and mucus by the end of the service. And yet I never felt better as Yong stood with me, taking communion together for the first time.

I, a mere mortal, can never understand God's way and plan. But I am beginning to grasp that while God can magically grant us our every wish, it may not be the best thing for us. It robs us of the opportunity to learn, experience and be truly marveled of His Glory. It is going to be so hard to keep my faith and my eyes on Him but now I have a wonderful partner with me in this life long journey to experience His Glory. And how gloriously wonderful is that!!

Shoes-spired #3

My current most comfortable heels that is versatile enough to bring me from the boardroom to a wedding. I was so crazy over the khaki-cream color combi that I realized that I had no black colored shoes in quite a while. Trying to space out the frequency of wear so this can remain newish looking for a long time.

Was chatting with Z on my obsession of red lips lately and she asked if I have any photos to show. Took the opportunity to do so during a recent wedding.

Pazzion shoes from Wisma